WORST PAUSE MENU EVER! - Fable 3 In A Nutshell - Silly Game Overview

Fable 3, a game where you take control of the next leader of Albion, a nation based on industrial revolution era England which, as you can guess, aint doin' so good. The current ruler, Logan, is evil and killing people left and right because “fuck it whatever” and you gotta stop him.

So, you gather your rag tag team of heroes consisting of washed up warrior/father figure, butler and dog. After which, you are introduced to the games first true enemy. The pause menu. Or rather, the lack of a pause menu. You see, Fable 3 wants to be rad and edgy to make all of the cooler games notice it, so it completely eschews a pause screen and instead drops you into an entire room everytime you press pause.

Rather than a clean simple menu, you must now deal with running through a small building to select equipment and items. It's cool guys! Trust me! Not at all tedious and annoying! Anyway, after dealing with the asinine pause system, you begin your quest to dethrown your brother and save Albion.

You do this by showing your independence and decision making skills befitting any good king by being told exactly what to do for the first half of the game. After being the kingdoms errand boy and solving the problems of damn near every citizen in Albion, you decide to take a trip across the ocean to become bitch of the desert nation of Aurora.

In Aurora, you find out that Logan somehow managed to also screw over their country by abandoning them to a threat called “The Darkness.” Said Darkness is high-tailing it to Albion to destroy it before Logan can, and a blind, magic seeress tells you that you are the only one who can stop it.

So, you gather your allies and go to war with Albion. Bing, bang, boom, you're the king now. Hurray. Now, as king, you are presented the pressures and trials that a king must face. Those challenges actually end up being boiled down to a series of A and B choices that have no actual effect on the games plot.

Then, after a year, which actually somehow translates to, like, ten days in game, the Darkness arrives. How well you do here is dependent on one of the most universally important forces in the world. Cash money. Basically, save more dough, save more bros.

I managed to save ever single citizen from dying, a feat you may consider next to impossible during a war, by saving up loads of money. How did I do this? Why, real estate, of course! I bought up every building in Albion and then jacked up the rent through the roof.

Which I can do, since now I own the damn roof. And because I managed to save every person and make the most ass-kissing decisions as king, I was hailed as a benevolent ruler, and a Hero. And now that Albion is saved, it... still exists. You can... continue to solve everyone's problems...